Elephant in the Room

4/18/2020

I celebrate the publishing of my 2nd blog post – yes, I’m a rookie and I am owning it. This blog helps to give greater context to my life journey.

If there is an elephant in the room, I’ve learned to introduce it. And given my fondness for collecting elephant figurines in my business travels, I will give both literal and figurative introductions.

1. Literal Introduction – interesting and common traits of elephants:

• Elephant families are led by a matriarchal head; the elder, experienced lady elephant leads the family ( the mother; the mother’s sisters, daughters; and their calves)
• An elephant is distinguished by its high level of intelligence, methods of communication, complex social structure and interesting behaviors 
• Leadership for elephants is more about their ability to get agreement versus power. They become leaders by the respect gained in showing intelligence and solving problems.
• Elephants are playful and engage in games of throwing objects, twisting and interacting with their characteristics. “Play dates” begin by a round of trumpeting. And lastly, the Elephants engaged in both solitary play as well as group play.

Very, very interesting. Does this ring a bell? It sure does for me.

2. Figurative introduction – elephant in the room

As with any new introduction in the business and / or my personal world, I find a “quiet and unspoken” judgement as people learn of my single / never been married status as a 55+ year old woman. Despite the pros of my status (happiness, accomplishments, freedom to meander with spontaneity, and quality of life), the fact is that there is always a dark cloud of prejudice hovering above those of us that fit into this niche of society. If I am daring and in a playful mood, I throw in my dear housemate preference (2 cats) and and I begin to see the corners of mouths twitch into a smile …. yes it’s the cat lady reference.

So as I begin this blogging journey, I wanted to introduce this elephant in the room and really do welcome comments and perceptions about women in their late 50s who have never married … I really would like honest feedback, helping me overcome and handle these perceptions with grace and dignity, just as a majestic blue elephant walks in the veldt.

But before I open up the dialogue to sharing and helping for greater understanding, let me give a bit more context. This has not been a driving concern nor issue in my life, up until approximately 6 months ago … we’ll get to that part shortly.

So the natural common question is – “why haven’t you married?”. As I roll back the hands of time, I now understand why this never happened. Born the 3rd of 4 children to parents that married in their teens, my destiny was to:

• Achieve – always try to keep up with high expectations and “keep up” with of my older siblings
• Not focus on marriage, as my parents had done so at too young an age
• Maintain a very strong German work ethic
• Be humble and kind
• Be the best that you can be

Growing up in the country with very humble beginnings was idyllic. At the same time, my birth order as a 3rd child caused me to be the quieter one in the family with a shyer personality. It took years to find my voice, discover who I was and attain my core capabilities. But the strong foundation as a child allowed me to develop strong values, work ethic, and characteristics that would bode well in the world and get along with a variety of people from different walks of life and at different levels of business rankings.

Had I married, I would never have discovered my full potential. The energy and focus I dedicated to business helped mold me into the persona and leader I am today, whereby I can now support others as they develop their true self. Overcoming the challenges of business helped me to be a change agent with constant development of skills set for myself and others inclusive of: problem solving; overcoming challenging personalities and conflicts; facilitating meetings; public speaking; negotiation; analysis; project management; strategy and vision; developing high performing teams; managing mega-million dollar budgets; world travel; etc. The thrill of meeting a variety of personalities across culture, driving progress, and developing partnerships have been a thrill and a constant motivator for me. The stories I could tell …..

But now is the time to segway to 6 months ago, when I more fully became aware of the bias towards 55+ women that have never married. Although I was the subject of “significant” bias only one other time in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, this bias I am about to reference feels more personal. Being the single American woman tourist that one afternoon in a Kuala Lumpur food court was more understandable. Standing at a kiosk type stand, waiting to order an Asian bowl type order, the attendee would not turn around nor ask for my order – to this day I don’t know if it was my status as an American or as a woman and / or both that was an issue for refusal to serve me. But given I was the minority in this culture, I understand this cultural divide.

As Americans, I don’t understand why there is a bias towards a SWF 55+, with no baggage (just travel) and someone who really is an “undiscovered gem”. Wouldn’t this tagline to you seem like an ideal date?

Yes, it’s been years since I’ve actively dated, and finally as I approach the golden years I have found a mounting desire to jump back in to that current, a nice enhancement to an already idyllic life ,,,,, An Executive Coach advised me once that you can’t give up nor shut out what you really may want, otherwise the universe doesn’t send you these opportunities. So I jumped into this thing called “online dating”, and unfortunately I am seeing the challenges of: phishers; ghosts; scammers; and such ….. With all challenges in life, solutions don’t arrive on a silver platter. The secret sauce has always been about pure focus, effort and time – practice leads to perfection.

But now that I dedicated the time, and learned the process to overcome the hardships of dating, I have found one key bias. Men who have worked this online dating for years, know the exact question to ask to screen their ideal date or mate right out of the gate. That question has become – “How long have you been single? Do you have kids?”

I find that when I share I’ve never been married, then they become ghosts. I haven’t even had more than 2 exchanges of messages and I’m discounted as a potential partner? Why would men not recognize that a single lady in her 50s could be the finest gem, the playful partner, the respectable catch, a great communicator, and one who walks with grace and dignity?

Please feel free to share your perspective. Thanks in advance for your interest and time in visiting my blog.